Space, Depth & Meaning

There are at least five essays in the waiting room, and if I don’t start one *right now* the sixth one will just take me over the edge. So, despite the very (very) long list of items that are on my to-do list, I am making the space to sit down, open the door to the realms of the sacred and contact the Muse.

As I put Oran down for his nap just now, I felt the whirlings of all of these essays waiting to be written—and I felt the seemingly bizaare threads woven in between all of them. There is one on circumcision, one on the path of intimate relationship, one (that very much wants to be written) on the garden we’ve been tending this spring and summer (spoiler: they’re all woven of. the same cloth, but it may take me a minute to write that whole book ;).

But today, today what is true is that I need to write you to about space and depth. Mostly because I know that It will open the doors to the next layers of life that are ready to be touched and tended.

Because the depth and space is the Source of all of the rest.

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I notice right now that I have this way I normally like to write—where I talk story, and wind down, and weave and pull threads and braid stories of my life, with things that I see in the world and with experiences I know we all share. And I could start like that. And I could slowly wind my way down to the space—which is what I normally do.

But She is asking for something different.

“Just tell them about SPACE!” She says. “Just give them the transmission of depth.”

UM, Okay. So…

SPACE! DEPTH! Spppaaaaaccceeee. Deeeeeppppth.

Emptiness.

The exhale.

The moment between.

The echo of the silence between the heartbeats.

The vast, seemlingly empty, darkened desert landscapes, secretly teeming with life.

Space.

The cosmic void.

The backdrop of the stars.

The eardrums, canals, the emptiness of the womb, the yoni.

The secret heartcaves.

The black.

And---- everything beyond and behind and below and above this.

Do you get it?

(Pause. Breathe. Rest).

When you listen, deeply, can you hear the hum of the song of creation just barely travelling in on the wind? Or the twinkling of Light? Right there in that space? In the depths?

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I find that when many people arrive at my doorstep, they think they are seeking some sort of healing, some sort of ailment for the suffering of being human. They think, like I thought, that if they can just find the puzzle piece to relieve the pain of their suffering, that everything will be okay. And yes, it is important that we find the right puzzle pieces.

But what I know more than ever now, after over a decade on this path, is that what most people actually arrive for is DEPTH. MEANING. They need a greater, wider, deeper, truer context for what it means to be human. They need to understand WHY they feel this pain. They need to feel that something, anything, makes sense, that that they are loved and supported. That they matter.

They actually want to fall from the sky, taste the dirt, and remember that the doorways to the sacred are RIGHT HERE, in every flower and every tear, and every breath.

But they don’t know that yet.

And so, we talk pain, and abuse, and death, and sexuality and creativity and dharma, and ALL of the threads that ultimately need the depth and space, in order to meet.

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The depth, the space, the Womb, the Mother—this is what makes life worth living.

If you think success in corporate America, or the perfect wedding, or accolades, or a million dollar bank account makes life worth living, try tasting, smelling and touching God with your very breath. It’ll blow you out of the water.

The bliss without needing anything to change.

The colors, the textures, the absolute awe of the ways this Life works.

The rich, sensory, bright, deep, wide suchness of being human.

It can taste it now. Maaaaaaaaahhhhh.

When we can sink down, all the way down, allll the way down, into this space, into this depth, we can meet and hold everything painful and challenging and scary that Life throws us. But not without the space and depth.

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In order to make contact with this space, we do need to actually MAKE SPACE. We need see, and feel, and meet and touch, all of the boulders and stones of suffering and pain and dissociation that have filled up our space. We need to DIGEST and RELEASE our life experiences, one at a time. We need to be held in love and grieve and express and be witnessed, so that these experiences say—yes! I have been met, and now, I will go.

We need to slow down. in our lives. We need to put away our phones, light a candle, journal. We need to make a slow dinner listening to piano. Ask our partners. about their inner landscapes, and listen. We need to go offline for a day. Sit by a creek. Listen beyond the emptiness.

And then, we can die, and rest, and digest, and there is more SPACE and DEPTH within us.

You see, it is all inside. Heaven, beloved, is within us. There is nowhere to go but in.

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Once we contact the space and the depth, we start to make contact with landscapes of vast spaciousness—ones filled with myth and color and allies in every form—angel and animal and elemental and plant. We begin to dissolve into these landscapes, into their stories, into their medicines—and they help us make meaning of our lives.

And this, ultimately, this act of touching, sensing, making contact with, and making meaning with ourselves in this way, is why people come to this work.

When we can make sense of our lives, and feel the richness of beauty and absolute perfection of them, we can surrender to ENJOY what is ours, even when it hurts.

In the last decade of my own life, I have journeyed down and through dozens of these spaces and spaces—and through 3-4 major deaths and descents. In every one, I was suidical. I wanted to die (there is a deep intelligence to that longing!). In every one, I thought I wouldn’t make it through. In every one, I had to die to the version of me who existed before, and birth a version of me who could meet Life anew.

And every. single. time, my life continues to expand downward and outward and inward with more color and meaning and light.

It kind of places the entire “new age” ascension pathway on its head, doesn’t it?

Down, down, down we go, to the light in the Earth, we follow the flow. The Mother will guide us to find all our light, as we surrender our stories of ego and might. To sacred and holy rivers we go, and we find what’s eternal continues to grow. Dissolve all the stories of Icarus’ flight, and dive into the ocean of utter delight. Down, down, down, in the heart of Love we go.

The light is IN the Earth, in the womb, in the death, in the space, beloved.

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Truthfully, I have been in a multi-year descent that climaxed with the birth of my son, my postpartum period, and a second dieta with a sacred tree, Ohia Lehua. It has been one of the most challenging periods of my life. And yet, I am returning. Born again of blood and soil.

I am not, however, climbing up and out of this place. I am not ascending.

From this place, I am gathering all of myself. In this SPACE, and DEPTH, I am being reborn. In this wild, wide, vast darkness, the light that I AM is reforming.

But there is nowhere else to go. I am staying, right now, and letting life reform me where I am. I will not be dazzled by the false light. I will not be separated from the Mother, in order to access or radiate Light. I know better, now.

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And this, beloved, is the medicine of the space and the depth—this is the medicine I have to offer you.

Come on in, the water’s fine.
The darkness is filled with the Mother divine.
The songs of the mermaids and muses will sing,
that all that you’re seeking is found in the dream—
down, down, down we go,
down to the love that lives down below,
down where the whales and the seals will sing
of all that is lost and is gained in the dream
of being a human on Earth you see—
awakening as you descend.

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If this medicine calls to you, come receive it this fall.

I will be hosting a free community Zoom call, Gathering, on Sunday, August 17 at 3pm. Together, we will sanctify the ground where we are, and talk story about our latest sacred deaths and descents. Mostly, I miss all of you. If you’ve ever been a client of healing sessions, joined a retreat, or taken a class in the school, you’re welcome. I will gladly receive donations, but is it feely given.

And, afterwards, I will open the doors to a 3-Month Group Mentorship Community (with option for additional individualized mentorship) for this fall: THE RETURN, which will run September 21 - December 21. This medicine supports us to return to ourselves after periods of great dissolution, without ‘ascending’ or returning to who we were. Reach out directly to me to pre-register.

If you’re in Birmingham, come meet the space and depth with us through Womb Awakening Sound Journey—next up on Saturday, August 9 at 4pm.

And if your heart is longing for a little physical medicine for the journey, I have dropped a handful of little bottles of plant medicine into my shop. They are here to support you.

Lastly, if your heart longs for individual holding and love through a descent or return, I have a few spaces open in August and early September, for single sessions, or customizable packages.

Sending you all big, deep, wide, spacious Love,

Jane